Food=My enemy

What a horrible attitude to have right? I know. We just have a serious love/hate relationship right now. It seems like my nausea is getting a little bit better, but I have to put food in my mouth constantly or I start getting sick. And it's hard because I don't like food THAT much! Sometimes I think having to think about food or a meal is just time-consuming and frustrating and before I was pregnant I could go hours (not because I was trying to, but just because it wasn't a #1 priority) without eating. And really, by hours I mean, I could eat a piece of toast in the morning, I could handle waiting for a late lunch maybe even till 2 or 3, and then sometimes dinner wouldn't be till 9 o'clock at night! (this was also partially the fault of last semester's school and work schedule) But that's the schedule I was on and then all of a sudden I'm pregnant and hate food worse than I did before. It's hard to explain....I mean, I love a nice, big, juicy steak now and again, I love a trip to Olive Garden or Pasta Factory for a rock-my-world dish of pasta. I just don't eat like that all the time. And I'm still not that great of a cook, again thanks to crazy schedules that are now less crazy but I still don't know what to cook and cooking sounds nauseating.

I hate going grocery shopping too. I used to like it. Now I just hate it. And I just have no idea how I even get food in me because I can't think of anything to cook. I eat a lot of Wendy's baked potatoes --sometimes with chili.  I eat stuff from Lin's Deli. I could just really write a mean letter to the person who made it so that Durango's has to be closed during this stressful time...I'm pretty much sick of Dairy Queen and don't like the idea of any other fast food places in town. I hate eating frozen stuff but I've resorted to a lot of that on days when I work. But- urgh it's just frustrating. nothing really sounds good, and because I take forever to decide then I start getting sick which just makes it worse. it's an ongoing, vicious, repetitive, ridiculous, cycle and I'm really annoyed by it.

I hope this doesn't mean  my child is already starting out as a picky eater. I want to eat healthy too, but the thought of pulling out the broccoli in my fridge and steaming it or boiling it just sounds disgusting. And that used to be one of my favorite things! Oh and then when I do eat, I can only eat so much before I start feeling like its gonna come back up. I need a personal chef who can read my mind (and stomach/child's mind) and determine what sounds good and what will be healthy for me.

 Ironically enough, a few of the best meals I've eaten have been on Kolob because we've spent the last two weekends there. I attribute part of that to the fact that I'm forced to plan meals if we want to eat up there, and because of the allergies I get (cuz I can't take medicine and don't want to) which cause my nose to be stuffed which then makes tasting food easier to handle I think. So, maybe the solution is this: move to Kolob, supply myself with extra tissues and lotion for my nose, and go pig out.

I have only gained 2-4 pounds. However, there is a large number of my jeans that I can't button up, and frankly wouldn't want to even try on cuz it just sounds constricting. And I can tell certain areas are all joyfully getting bigger. But yet, my wedding ring was pretty much jumping off my finger so I've resorted to a smaller sized fake ring cuz I can't wear my normal one. So it's like the weight is just re-distributing. And yet I feel like I eat all day long. All my thoughts are consumed with is-- what do I eat next.

This is a long blog post, but I'm still going.

I'm now 15 weeks. My baby is the size of an apple :) I'm sort of disappointed, but sort of not, but sort of am (sheesh, i am pregnant) still a little disappointed because, I'm hardly showing at allllll. It's not like I want a huge belly already, but I'd like to look a little bit like there's a purpose behind these new little love-handles. But, my uterus is retroverted, so that means the baby is more towards my spine, but will essentially pop-forward one day and i'll feel all-of-a-sudden really pregnant. It seems like there's been a few times where my belly has poked out more, but when i wake up in the morning, it's seriously almost like there's nothing there. I can tell a small difference but the only thing really proving that i'm growing is that my pants don't fit. They say during the 2nd trimester though, you start "enjoying pregnancy" and eating a lot and gaining weight, and frankly i'm to the point where I WANT that. I'd like to somewhat enjoy food again.

So, after venting, I'll finish with saying I am glad to be pregnant. I'm happy we heard the heartbeat,--what a crazy moment. I'm excited for fall/winter because I'll be able to wear layers and cute pregnancy clothes and I'll get a Christmas present that will beat out pretty much anything I've ever gotten or will ever get for Christmas. I'm hoping that this Thanksgiving will be the best thanksgiving of my life because I'll be close to ready to popping, and I'll be hungry as a hippo and I'll be able to eat forever! (muaahahahaaha) I'm happy I made it through the 1st trimester, and I'm just praying everyday that Heavenly Father will make up the rest if I'm not getting all I should with the foods I eat. (i am taking prenatals too) I will continue to do a lot of praying, I am feeling a different kind of closeness to the spirit as time goes on and my heart seems to be more open since being pregnant. And it's not just the hormones. I like the new sensitivity to emotions, because sometimes I struggle with that- I liked to keep them closed up. I know that my Heavenly Father is aware of my and my struggles, and I also know He will continue to watch over me and baby. I have to keep trusting that and having that faith makes everything that much easier because I know everything will be okay.