We will forever miss him.

Im not posting a picture because it hurts too much to look at.

I don't know that everyone will understand this post, but those who do might have to grab a tissue.

In December last year we added Kojo to our family. He was our first dog, but also the first animal we had to take care of. He was mine and Colten's. He was our buddy, and we loved him very much. He learned so fast and quickly became part of our everyday routine. He bonded with each of us in different ways. I was the cuddler, but Colten was the one he loved to go play with and work with. I planned on him being our family dog for at least 10 years. Ever since I remember, our family has had a dog. Most of the time it was more than one. I've loved and lost dogs growing up, but Kojo was different. He was mine. He was ours. To so many people it might seem dumb to talk about a dog as someone so special--but not to us. There's no way to explain what it feels like to form a relationship with an animal and really count them as part of your family. He was just so special.

Last week, Colten and Kojo and a couple of our nephews went up to Kolob to cut some wood for the winter. I wanted to go, and could have, but for some reason just wasn't feeling up to it. When the boys were just finishing up loading the rest of the wood and the chainsaw into the truck, Colten saw Kojo start heading back to the truck. At that moment, he also saw a truck coming down the dirt road and before Colten could say anything or even knew what to say the accident happened. Kojo was killed instantly.

Colten said he just walked over to Kojo, sat on the ground, and couldn't say a word. The man driving the truck had 3 dogs in the back of his truck--obviously a dog lover. He felt terrible. He tried to help and apologize but Colten said he couldn't talk. So he didn't. He didn't say one word. The man's wife gave Colten a sheet to wrap Kojo in, and Colten did so and put him in the truck and drove away. They were kind people, I feel bad Colten didn't say anything, but I think they probably understood. Colten buried Kojo up by our cabin, and drove home. When he came home, he just showed me Kojo's collar. He couldn't talk through his tears for about a half hour so I tried to console him not knowing what exactly had happened. He was finally able to tell me, and eventually I lost it. Colten's family kept showing up throughout the day showing their love and concern. They just sat with us, and that helped. I didn't tell my family till the next day cuz I just couldn't text it without crying more. I did tell my parents right after it all happened, and I think my mom cried as hard as we did.

I just know this will come across as so weird to some people. But again, it's so hard to explain. We just loved that dog so much, and we will forever miss him.

You wouldn't believe it, but we already have a new puppy. Colten has decided he can't live without a dog. I can't either, but I would've liked to wait longer. But, we happened to hear about some puppies that were australian shepherd, border collie, blue heeler mixes. Kojo was  a border collie so we went and checked them out. There was one boy left when we got there, and we brought him home. His name is Broni, which in Twi means white. He's mostly white but his face has black and brown, and he's got little black spots and red spots all over his body. We love our new puppy, but puppies are not very fun for me.They're hard work.  But we're hopeful that he will become a good dog like Kojo, but he will never replace Kojo. Broni is just our new adventure, our new member of the family, with his own crazy personality. He will hopefully be potty trained before baby gets here, and so I'm not too worried about having a baby and a puppy. I actually think it will be cool to watch our little girl grow up with Broni. I'm sure she will learn to love dogs as much as Colten and I do. (It's funny though, Colten never wanted a dog in the first place, but he has learned just how great they can be, and I love how loving he is towards them). Kojo was so great, and we will always love him.

In other news, I don't like the name Adelaide anymore. I always have to repeat myself when I tell people what it is. And no one can quite remember it. So the name search is on again. Why are girls names so hard for me? I can't believe weve only got 3 months left. That is so mind-boggling. I finished her bassinet, some fabric boxes for above her crib (that we don't have yet), and my mom bought me a diaper bag. It's cute I like it. Good ole walmart. I ordered her some basics for clothing online too just so that I'd feel a little more prepared in case we don't get certain things at showers. It's a little overwhelming to thing how life will be when she gets here, but we are excited for the changes. The reality of labor and birth are hitting me a little more. I can't say that I'm scared though. I think I'm nervous, maybe apprehensive, but I've never felt it, so I don't know what I could be scared of when I don't know how it will be for me. I know I'm glad I'm doing it with a midwife. I want to work through the pain---even if in the moment i'll be screaming otherwise. I want to see what my body can do, and I want to feel every second of it, and be there 100 % for the whole birth. She's my little girl, and I've felt this whole pregnancy, every headache, every stomachache, every need for more oxygen when I reach the top of the stairs. I want to feel what it is like to bring her here. I think one big reason is because I want to feel how strong I am, and I want to give myself the confidence to continue that strength throughout motherhood. It will be hard. But I can do hard things. So, hopefully, I can figure out a name to give her at the end of all this 9 months and birth. If only I could just find one that hits, and sinks in, and feels like thee name. wish me luck.