What a horrible attitude to have right? I know. We just have a serious love/hate relationship right now. It seems like my nausea is getting a little bit better, but I have to put food in my mouth constantly or I start getting sick. And it's hard because I don't like food THAT much! Sometimes I think having to think about food or a meal is just time-consuming and frustrating and before I was pregnant I could go hours (not because I was trying to, but just because it wasn't a #1 priority) without eating. And really, by hours I mean, I could eat a piece of toast in the morning, I could handle waiting for a late lunch maybe even till 2 or 3, and then sometimes dinner wouldn't be till 9 o'clock at night! (this was also partially the fault of last semester's school and work schedule) But that's the schedule I was on and then all of a sudden I'm pregnant and hate food worse than I did before. It's hard to explain....I mean, I love a nice, big, juicy steak now and again, I love a trip to Olive Garden or Pasta Factory for a rock-my-world dish of pasta. I just don't eat like that all the time. And I'm still not that great of a cook, again thanks to crazy schedules that are now less crazy but I still don't know what to cook and cooking sounds nauseating.
I hate going grocery shopping too. I used to like it. Now I just hate it. And I just have no idea how I even get food in me because I can't think of anything to cook. I eat a lot of Wendy's baked potatoes --sometimes with chili. I eat stuff from Lin's Deli. I could just really write a mean letter to the person who made it so that Durango's has to be closed during this stressful time...I'm pretty much sick of Dairy Queen and don't like the idea of any other fast food places in town. I hate eating frozen stuff but I've resorted to a lot of that on days when I work. But- urgh it's just frustrating. nothing really sounds good, and because I take forever to decide then I start getting sick which just makes it worse. it's an ongoing, vicious, repetitive, ridiculous, cycle and I'm really annoyed by it.
I hope this doesn't mean my child is already starting out as a picky eater. I want to eat healthy too, but the thought of pulling out the broccoli in my fridge and steaming it or boiling it just sounds disgusting. And that used to be one of my favorite things! Oh and then when I do eat, I can only eat so much before I start feeling like its gonna come back up. I need a personal chef who can read my mind (and stomach/child's mind) and determine what sounds good and what will be healthy for me.
Ironically enough, a few of the best meals I've eaten have been on Kolob because we've spent the last two weekends there. I attribute part of that to the fact that I'm forced to plan meals if we want to eat up there, and because of the allergies I get (cuz I can't take medicine and don't want to) which cause my nose to be stuffed which then makes tasting food easier to handle I think. So, maybe the solution is this: move to Kolob, supply myself with extra tissues and lotion for my nose, and go pig out.
I have only gained 2-4 pounds. However, there is a large number of my jeans that I can't button up, and frankly wouldn't want to even try on cuz it just sounds constricting. And I can tell certain areas are all joyfully getting bigger. But yet, my wedding ring was pretty much jumping off my finger so I've resorted to a smaller sized fake ring cuz I can't wear my normal one. So it's like the weight is just re-distributing. And yet I feel like I eat all day long. All my thoughts are consumed with is-- what do I eat next.
This is a long blog post, but I'm still going.
I'm now 15 weeks. My baby is the size of an apple :) I'm sort of disappointed, but sort of not, but sort of am (sheesh, i am pregnant) still a little disappointed because, I'm hardly showing at allllll. It's not like I want a huge belly already, but I'd like to look a little bit like there's a purpose behind these new little love-handles. But, my uterus is retroverted, so that means the baby is more towards my spine, but will essentially pop-forward one day and i'll feel all-of-a-sudden really pregnant. It seems like there's been a few times where my belly has poked out more, but when i wake up in the morning, it's seriously almost like there's nothing there. I can tell a small difference but the only thing really proving that i'm growing is that my pants don't fit. They say during the 2nd trimester though, you start "enjoying pregnancy" and eating a lot and gaining weight, and frankly i'm to the point where I WANT that. I'd like to somewhat enjoy food again.
So, after venting, I'll finish with saying I am glad to be pregnant. I'm happy we heard the heartbeat,--what a crazy moment. I'm excited for fall/winter because I'll be able to wear layers and cute pregnancy clothes and I'll get a Christmas present that will beat out pretty much anything I've ever gotten or will ever get for Christmas. I'm hoping that this Thanksgiving will be the best thanksgiving of my life because I'll be close to ready to popping, and I'll be hungry as a hippo and I'll be able to eat forever! (muaahahahaaha) I'm happy I made it through the 1st trimester, and I'm just praying everyday that Heavenly Father will make up the rest if I'm not getting all I should with the foods I eat. (i am taking prenatals too) I will continue to do a lot of praying, I am feeling a different kind of closeness to the spirit as time goes on and my heart seems to be more open since being pregnant. And it's not just the hormones. I like the new sensitivity to emotions, because sometimes I struggle with that- I liked to keep them closed up. I know that my Heavenly Father is aware of my and my struggles, and I also know He will continue to watch over me and baby. I have to keep trusting that and having that faith makes everything that much easier because I know everything will be okay.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Remember how I said...
that my midwife told me that there would be a lot of people who would tell me that I was stupid? Well, that happened today. And I didn't have my guns in their holsters ready to respond, and I was caught off guard, and it sucked...
I knew it was coming, but for the most part many people have been supportive or indifferent. But not today. I went home, received reassurance from my sister, and then my mother, and then I had a good cry.
"Why would you go back 100 years when we have the kind of technology we have?" (no response, but my response should have been... why not rely on the same method that has worked for THOUSANDS of years? instead of the technology that has only worked for how long...)
I don't know if I've posted this yet, and some may think I'm crazy...but I'm of the faith that Heavenly Father has control of who comes into this world and who leaves. I realize very much so that agency plays a role in that--and that Heavenly Father will not force us to choose anything, and thus sometimes people make choices that cause other people to lose their lives. However, I KNOW that miracles do happen, and that if it is in fact not at all a person's time to go, then Heavenly Father will make it so that he/she stays here. I also know that he is aware of every single one of His children. In reality I am carrying one of His children. He trusts me and Colten to bring this child into the world---amazingly enough He does this knowing full well that we are young, we are imperfect, and we do not know everything. But, He trusts us with an amazing responsibility. And He does this because it's part of how we become like He is--parenting is what Heavenly Father does! And He wants us to learn about patience, love, teaching with the spirit, learning how to replace fears with faith, etc. And because He is aware of every one of us, He will be there for the birth of this child. He will be as much a part of it as me, as Colten, and as the midwife, and really He is the most a part of it, because, again, it is His child. So, if something does go wrong, and in the worst case scenario Heavenly Father decides that this child shouldn't be here for any reason---as hard as that would be---He is in charge. And so knowing this, what kind of person would I be to blame a doctor, a midwife, a nurse, an assistant, or anyone there who wasn't able to keep the baby here, alive, and healthy? When it is NOT their fault. Even in cases that prove that the doctor or midwife is to blame, AGAIN, who is REALLY in charge? And should we not have faith that Heavenly Father always knows what is best for us? And for our children?
(indirect quote, but summarized) "I trust the $250,000 machines to tell me what's going on with a baby"
(no response, but my response should have been.... "Really? I trust the Spirit. And I know my midwife does too")
The Spirit, or the Holy Ghost, is right 100% of the time. That is who my midwife relies on. She rarely goes for too long speaking without mentioning who really deserves all the credit ---Heavenly Father.
Anyway, I feel better now. But today was hard.
I knew it was coming, but for the most part many people have been supportive or indifferent. But not today. I went home, received reassurance from my sister, and then my mother, and then I had a good cry.
"Why would you go back 100 years when we have the kind of technology we have?" (no response, but my response should have been... why not rely on the same method that has worked for THOUSANDS of years? instead of the technology that has only worked for how long...)
I don't know if I've posted this yet, and some may think I'm crazy...but I'm of the faith that Heavenly Father has control of who comes into this world and who leaves. I realize very much so that agency plays a role in that--and that Heavenly Father will not force us to choose anything, and thus sometimes people make choices that cause other people to lose their lives. However, I KNOW that miracles do happen, and that if it is in fact not at all a person's time to go, then Heavenly Father will make it so that he/she stays here. I also know that he is aware of every single one of His children. In reality I am carrying one of His children. He trusts me and Colten to bring this child into the world---amazingly enough He does this knowing full well that we are young, we are imperfect, and we do not know everything. But, He trusts us with an amazing responsibility. And He does this because it's part of how we become like He is--parenting is what Heavenly Father does! And He wants us to learn about patience, love, teaching with the spirit, learning how to replace fears with faith, etc. And because He is aware of every one of us, He will be there for the birth of this child. He will be as much a part of it as me, as Colten, and as the midwife, and really He is the most a part of it, because, again, it is His child. So, if something does go wrong, and in the worst case scenario Heavenly Father decides that this child shouldn't be here for any reason---as hard as that would be---He is in charge. And so knowing this, what kind of person would I be to blame a doctor, a midwife, a nurse, an assistant, or anyone there who wasn't able to keep the baby here, alive, and healthy? When it is NOT their fault. Even in cases that prove that the doctor or midwife is to blame, AGAIN, who is REALLY in charge? And should we not have faith that Heavenly Father always knows what is best for us? And for our children?
(indirect quote, but summarized) "I trust the $250,000 machines to tell me what's going on with a baby"
(no response, but my response should have been.... "Really? I trust the Spirit. And I know my midwife does too")
The Spirit, or the Holy Ghost, is right 100% of the time. That is who my midwife relies on. She rarely goes for too long speaking without mentioning who really deserves all the credit ---Heavenly Father.
Anyway, I feel better now. But today was hard.
Monday, June 4, 2012
12 weeks
How exciting :) and ironic because citrusy stuff makes me feel better...
Colten still calls the lime Garrett, and now my sis-in-law has begun calling the lime Gertrude, to tease colten that it's a girl. But I can assure you all, that will not be her name if it's a girl. Ha ha. Good times.
Short post, but added random thought, when You'll Be In My Heart from Tarzan comes on does anyone else just feel happier? I just love that song. I love a million and a half songs. but that one just hit the spot. I love the Tarzan soundtrack. I've never been sick of it. Good job Phil Collins. Good job.
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