Why does the Father forgive so much?

In my Sunday School class, my amazing kids are constantly testing me. But only because I ask em' to. Every week we give them slips of paper, and tell them to write questions they have about the month's topic, or about anything in the gospel. February's subject is "The Plan of Salvation" and January's topic has been "The Godhead." Every question I get is wonderful. They make me study harder, and the practice of asking questions and finding answers is hopefully being instilled in their hearts. As it is in mine.

But this question, it hit me like a spiritual arrow soft, but nonetheless intense and straight into my chest. It was one of those moments where the tears began to well up whether I wanted them to or not.

The question that was given to me, is the title of this post. "Why does the Father forgive so much?"

I know without a shadow of a doubt that when we are called in positions in the church our Heavenly Father helps us feel the love He has for the individuals in our classes, quorums, groups, etc. And when I read this question it was like an immediate rush of love came in to my soul. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of every individual in my class---and my senses were heightened all of a sudden to make me see that.

I don't know who wrote the question. I have no idea what struggles many of my students face. I know they struggle with similar things that I struggled with in high school...but, I don't know enough about the rest of their lives to understand what they're going through. So I don't know if this question came from a need of understanding that the Father will forgive this individual, or if it was because they wondered why people who do horrible things can still be forgiven.

Here's my answer to the question:

   I don't know why our Father in Heaven forgives so much. It boggles my mind, while at the same time warming my heart. I don't know that there's a limit to how much he will forgive---I really don't think there is one. I know that our understanding of love and forgiveness IS limited. We are still learning how to love, and how to forgive. I know that some of our brothers and sisters do some pretty terrible things in this life and I don't understand why. I am thankful that I don't  have to understand how to judge them on Judgement Day. I'm thankful that that job is up to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know that our Father in Heaven knows us in and out, past, present, and future. He knows our spirits because he created us. We are His children.

Sometimes I think I know Camry so well because she began life inside of me, and the first 9 months we were inseparable :)haha. And then she came to this earth and it was a feeling of-- "I know you. I've known you for a while now, and yet we're just meeting each other, but I'm here to take care of you, I promise."  But when I ponder being a partner with Heavenly Father in bringing His children to the earth I realize that He knew her those 9 months too, He knew her long before I did. He will continue to know her better than I ever can. That knowledge is strange, but so fulfilling and safe. I trust His arms more than I trust my own. I know He is a better parent than me, and although I'm here to love and guide her--part of my purpose is to teach her how to build a relationship with her Father in Heaven.

Because He knows each of us soooo well, I know he has the ability to forgive and know when our hearts are pure. He knows when we truly repent. He knows when we seek His forgiveness with all the sincerity of our souls. He knows when we need Him. And I KNOW that he will never leave us empty. He may not send down a choir of angels, but I guarantee He will send peace. That's one of the jobs of the Holy Ghost, to comfort us and give us peace when we think we are not worth it. And Christ is the mediator in and through it all. We are to gain a relationship with Him just as we do the Father.

Why does the Father forgive so much? I don't know, but I know He sure loves us and wants us to have all that He has. Why did the Savior hang on the cross? Why did he rise again triumphant from the tomb? Why do we seek forgiveness?  Because we are not perfect. But there was a Plan set forth long before we came here that made it so that imperfect people can become perfect. Part of the plan was to come to earth, receive bodies, be imperfect, and require the Savior's Atonement to make it back to be with the Father who loved us enough to make a straight path for us. Another part, the Savior's Atonement, made it possible for us to become at one with our Father, clean and whole.

Alls I knows is....I'm thankful He forgives so much. I need it. I need His love and forgiveness probably more than I need air to breathe. It's that important. The beyond shocking part is that I don't always seek it out. I ought to be slapped in the face for that. But that's part of my journey. Learning to seek out what truly nourishes my soul. And I know that our Father's love, and His endless forgiveness, is more nourishing and more filling than any food or water. I know the Savior's love is perfect. He is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6). I would be lost without all three members of the Godhead. I would not know the purpose of my life if not for the Plan of Salvation. I would be forever scarred and lonely if it were not for the Savior's Atonement to strengthen, lift, and heal me. I would be hopeless, if I did not know, that my Father in Heaven can, and will, forgive so much. 

Family Storage

   While preparing a lesson on the Second Coming, my mind has been drawn to this phrase, "Family Storage." And as I was studying Mark 13, I came across a scripture that finally put my hands to this keyboard. It talks about one of the signs before the Second Coming.

Mark 13:12, "Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death."

Can we relate this scripture to our own lives? I hope you don't want to betray family members and/or kill them...OBVIOUSLY. But, is Satan still working on us to destroy relationships? What if this scripture is meant for more than just the literal meaning of killing each other?

I like to forgive. But I find myself, just as we all do, holding grudges. Part of life is learning to not sweat the small stuff right? Right.

But sometimes there's big stuff. Hard stuff to deal with in life. Especially in familial circumstances.

That's when Satan tries real hard to kill relationships. He wants us to turn against our siblings, our parents, our loved ones.

We can't let that happen! The Second Coming will come, sooner or later it will come. And food storage is gonna be important, water storage is gonna be real important, but what about family storage?

The Prophets have urged us to prepare ourselves, and prepare we must! Part of being prepared is being spiritually prepared. If we don't remember the people who Heavenly Father has blessed us to know as our families here on earth and throughout eternity, than what have we remembered? Now is the time to forgive each other, put differences behind, and love as the Savior loves us. In times of need, we will not only need physical nourishment from food and water- we will require love, support, and help from each other.

My life is a constant struggle of trying to love and forgive. Sometimes I'm great at it. Sometimes I really suck. But it hit me today stronger than ever before, that the people in my life I absolutely need the most--are the members of my family. Because they are God's gift to me when life gets the toughest. We cannot expect perfection from each other, but we can love, teach, and try to be examples of the Savior who loved perfectly. I've written it before, and I'll write it again. We were never asked to be perfect on our own, we've always required the Savior's Atonement. If we could see each other through the Savior's eyes, I'm sure we could never hold a grudge, feel hatred, or seek to hurt others. We would only see---probably people just like ourselves, scarred but seeking. Hoping to do the right thing.

I loved how President Uchtdorf said in the last General Conference, "If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ." I sure know a lot of the right things, but I'm always struggling to do them. But I'm trying, just like we all are. And if we are yoked with Christ, then we are just where we need to be--moving forward. 

So, I guess all I'm saying is, there is no better time than now to love, forgive, and put in the past the mistakes of others. Now is the best time to seek for confidence in Christ so that we don't worry about the problems of others as much. When we know Him, it becomes much easier to see people as He sees them. And suddenly forgiveness is easy. Or at least, easier. 

I write this because I need it the most. I share it because I figure there's someone out there like me who struggles with their "family storage" too. Remember how important our loved ones are. Keep loving them, even when they may not love back. Christ experiences the latter every moment of every day. He understands. He can teach us how to build our "family storage" so that we become stronger as family units. So strong that Satan cannot enter in to tempt us. 

Thank goodness for the scriptures-they can always put things into perspective. 

Trust.

Life has confirmed with me that I live better when I am treated as though I am trustworthy, good, and essentially---important. I'm not trying to explain that everyone should treat me as though I am all that in a bag-a-chips. I am explaining what it feels like to be around people who treat you with Christlike love, the kind that makes you feel special, the purest, sweetest trust and respect that exists in this world. It can be shown in small and simple ways--but it's effects last forever.

A while back now, I had a dear friend a few years younger than me---okay a LOT younger (still in high school)...confide in me. She shared with me her confusion about her situation with her parents. She was 18, not graduated yet, and she was ready to move out. And her parents were ready for her to be gone too. (Or so she claimed). I asked her outright, "Have you done anything that would cause them to stop trusting you?" I wasn't looking for stories that were none of my business, and thankfully she didn't tell any. She understood my question and in a round about way she explained that yes, she had done some things that had frustrated her parents. And they only knew a fraction of what was really going on in her life.

Knowing that I could not rely on one side of the story, I tried to stay neutral, and understanding. She also told me about how she was truly trying to be a good person, but she felt like that part of her life wasn't seen by her parents, or anyone. She felt comfortable with her friends even though they enjoyed participating in activities she knew were inappropriate. She was sitting on the fence. She felt better on the outside with her friends. But inside, she yearned for closeness with her family, and mutual understanding with her parents. Sound familiar? I think we all feel this way at one time or another. I know her parents are wonderful people, and they were trying desperately to get through to their daughter. But they were trying to get her obedience by treating her like she was a bad child through and through. She had lost sight of the good in herself, but she knew deep in her heart what was right and she was trying to find a reason to get back on that path. The world was telling her to follow her friends, move out, give up, do what you want, and let go.

So there we were. I didn't know what to say, or how to help her see the path she needed to take. I asked Heavenly Father's help so many times. And I believe he told me to tell her what I've learned in my life.

* My parents trusted me. This phrase can mean so many things. To me, it meant they loved me, they respected my decisions, and they believed I was good. 

So I told her, what I believe in my heart of hearts, that she is a wonderful girl. She has a strong testimony. Sure it was being tested, but she held on to what was true and good. I tried to remind her that she is important. She has a Heavenly Father who sees her as a choice daughter of His.

This was when she started to cry.

Satan wants us to believe that we are useless. We have done too many bad things to ever be good again. He wants us to give in to the world's philosophies. And at the bottom of the worst of the worst is that belief that we cannot be trusted, loved, or important.

He is a liar.

I bring up this story because in a different way I've re-experienced this life lesson. Sometimes it can be our parents, (even parents with the best of intentions) sometimes it's our dearest friends, and sometimes it's just someone we have to see everyday at work. But sometimes there's a person who makes you feel like you are scum. Worse than scum. Like you are just a bad person with bad intentions who wishes bad on all around you. Sometimes we believe them. Unfortunately. Recently, I started to do that. Someone expected the worst out of me and in trying to constantly defend myself I found myself questioning my intentions and the intentions of others. So I caught on today. And that's just not a game I want to play.

I am good. I am NOT perfect. But my intentions are good, just like pretty much everyone else. The people bad-to-the-core are really not as common as we sometimes think. Often we go about trying to get along in life and somehow we communicate but quite often it's awkward. And in our efforts to understand others we often misconstrue their intentions.  But we must remember and believe that people are good. Even the people who are manipulative or negative nelly's or whatever, they are still on the same path we are of trying to do their best.

The people I love and respect and look up to, are the people who make me feel worth it. I feel comfortable around them with my imperfections because they make me feel like I am still good, important, trustworthy, and lovable.

I think it starts inside ourselves, understanding that we are children of Heavenly Father and we are inherently good. If we hold on to that belief it becomes a knowledge and then we start to see it in other people. It's so hard to constantly reassure someone who does not trust themselves. But we have to. Because if they can see they are important then they can become closer to our Savior and that's when changes happen.

I know that the Savior Jesus Christ knew that each one of us is worth it. Clearly he proved that by suffering for our sins, and being resurrected so that we might live again. Life experience and the choices we make leave us scarred and battered. But the Savior sees the good in each of us and He makes it possible for us to be whole again.

’Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer

Thought it scarcely worth his while

To waste much time on the old violin,

But held it up with a smile:

“What am I bidden, good folks,” he cried,

“Who’ll start the bidding for me?”

“A dollar, a dollar”; then, “Two!” “Only two?

Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?

Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;

Going for three—” But no,

From the room, far back, a gray-haired man

Came forward and picked up the bow;

Then, wiping the dust from the old violin,

And tightening the loose strings,

He played a melody pure and sweet

As a caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer,

With a voice that was quiet and low,

Said, “What am I bid for the old violin?”

And he held it up with the bow.

“A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?

Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?

Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice,

And going, and gone!” said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,

“We do not quite understand

What changed its worth.” Swift came the reply:

“The touch of a master’s hand.”

And many a man with life out of tune,

And battered and scarred with sin,

Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,

Much like the old violin.

A “mess of pottage,” a glass of wine,

A game—and he travels on.

He’s “going” once, and “going” twice,

He’s “going” and almost “gone.”

But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd

Never can quite understand

The worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought

By the touch of the Master’s hand. ²⁹

 -Myra Brooks Welch, quoted in General Conference by President Boyd K. Packer, found on lds.org.

The good news is, my sweet dear friend chose to change her life for the better. And I know, I know without a doubt that it started with a tiny seed of belief inside that she was worth more than the life she was living. Sin did not have to burden her forever, she could turn to the Savior and give Him her burdens in exchange for a pure heart and clean hands--hands that are now doing His work and living righteously. She is an amazing example to me. She showed tremendous courage and strength---she is one of those inspiring people who makes me feel worth it.

Real conversation

Acquaintance: "sorry if you can hear me chewing really loud" she says as she awkwardly chews slowly and covers her mouth.

Me: "oh your fine I can't even hear it."

Acquaintance: "REALLY!? Cuz in my head its really loud!"

Me: .... Shes for real..."Yep that's because your mouth is right next to your ears"

Acquaintance: "I guess that's true"

Yep. It's true.

Self Confidence

This is a very broad subject. There are thousands of psychologists studying this, millions of books and articles written, and it's because there are people struggling with it everywhere.

How do we get self confidence? How do we keep it? Do you struggle with it? Why do so many women struggle with it? Why is it so fragile?

I don't know how to answer all those questions. I'm just a wife and a mother who ponders everything. 

I do have some leads though. Or some ideas.
I'm just gonna jump right in.

Life experience. So much can happen inside those two words. So much good and so much bad.

Sometimes I hear of experiences and I think why was he or she allowed to do that to someone? Why does there have to be victims in life? Why do children have to endure things that shred any last bit of self confidence that one could have had? There are so many questions to ask.

I don't want to delve deeply into life experience I just want to lead your mind where mine went. Not to terrible, horrible, mind/heart scarring ventures, but to things that still shouldn't have happened.

I look at some people and I think, had they not endured that trial they could be more confident maybe. I never think it in those exact words, but that's pretty much what it sums up to. I think, maybe he/she would understand this or that aspect of life better, had they not experienced that.

And often as humans, we look at the bad stuff that happens to us as just that---bad stuff. My own mother is very much a worry wart and she is constantly (and I mean constantly) bringing up the worst-case-scenarios in any situation. I told her I had a nightmare last week and she suggested I get a supplement for anxiety. One nightmare. I love you mother, forever and for always, but I not takin dem pills!

I don't say this to bad mouth her. In fact, her worst-case-scenario thinking has made her prepared for literally every worst case scenario ever, and it has prevented many bad scenarios from unfolding. I'm just trying to illustrate a point---we always think of the trials in life as trials! Horrible happenings that just happen and we cannot prevent even though we continuously try to!

And lately I've been thinking about changing people's thinking. Why does Heavenly Father put people through unimaginable trials? Because of who he wants us to become. Now I know you've heard of this before, but really ponder this with me.

If I had grown up in any sort of a different family situation, sure, it may have seemed better to some. I've even thought maybe it would have been easier. Not having the "big kids" with us for a whole Christmas Day was pretty bad, I won't lie. But it did something to me, somewhere inside, to make me stronger. It made me appreciate my siblings, and it made me yearn for closeness with them. Had they always been there, maybe we would have fought more. Maybe I wouldn't have looked to them as examples. Maybe I would just be a little different. But Heavenly Father needs me to be who I am. And so he put me in a beautifully imperfect family in which I've never regretted belonging.

Think if we had the ability to see every "trial" for what it truly is. A current of water smoothing our rough patches slowly day by day. Or maybe some trials are sticks of dynamite blasting us onto the path of humility. Couldn't this ability to see trials differently change us clear down deep inside? Could it give us truckloads more of self confidence because we see how important we are to our Heavenly Father because he has given us more responsibility to become? I think it can!

There are some people who I wish I could sit them down, look them in the eye, and say, "You ARE worth it." Correction= I wish I could do that to all people. That's why I have a blog I guess. But really if you are reading this, do you believe that? Because I believe it. Heavenly Father wants YOU to understand something important so He gave you burdens. The "natural man" sees those burdens as hard, but again can we change the definition of burdens and trials and tribulations? In order to survive---we have to. Alllllll the hard "stuff" has to get their names changed. They should be called things like, strength-builders, family uniters, path re-directors, rough edge smoothers, and helped-me-to-become-like-God-ers.

Heavenly Father does want us to understand a lot of things---to become like Him we have to become All-knowing. (that will take much longer than this lifetime I believe). But most importantly---He wants us to understand we are not asked to endure life experience alone. He would have never sent us here alone. He sent us here, and then sent His Son to make all of the necessary connections. His Son built a bridge back home so-to-speak. His Son also offers strength, and the know-how for re-building hearts and homes. His Son offers to walk alongside us to help carry every "helped-me-to-become-like-God-er", or what is more commonly known as every, "trial."

And knowing what I know about the Savior Jesus Christ, I feel much more confident that He can be on my side. My search for self-confidence has also been a search to know my Savior better. And I don't know a lot, but I know that when I try to live as He would, I see trials for how they really are just a bit better, and I believe in myself a lot better. I find peace and happiness in just being good ole Sammy Grace! And I don't seek for the world's approval, I just try to enjoy being me and everyone that comes along with that.

So here's my hope. Please know, You Are Worth It. Whoever you are. Life experience is meant to make you even greater. We are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father who has created worlds without number. We are part of an ever growing family of love that just keeps multiplying--never dividing. So believe in yourself. Make decisions, Make amazing things happen, and Make your little corner of the world better because you're happy being you! Find your Confidence in Christ.

*thanks for reading. my husband has a rough time even listening to my long blog posts. ;) gotta love it. gotta write it down somewhere.

Because Nothing Bad Happened.

**Can I just say, this blog is a special place for me. Sometimes I ignore it, and I feel and think things that I need to write--like I am supposed to write them---and I still ignore them...But then I sit down, and I re-read something I wrote, and I know that it isn't necessarily just me writing. For some reason, I notice things, I analyze everything, and I put it into language which transforms into a vision for others to grasp or to ignore. And it feels good. It's me, connected to a spirit that I don't even realize I am in tune with. But as I said, I look back and think, how did I know to write that? How did I know it then it would help me today? The answer is: I didn't. I just do it, because I'm supposed to, and then my Heavenly Father blesses my life with it. I hope it blesses others. Refer to the quote at the top right of the page, "To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

This is a post that's been pressing on my mind and I've been ignoring it. Unfortunately that means I may not word it as wonderfully as possible, but I will try my best.

        Growing up, I remember when my mom would teach me about the 'right things' to do. These 'right things' are as follows: Be kind. Share. Don't steal. Be nice to your sister. ...hehe... Forgive your friend. Pray. Read your scriptures. Etc. As a child, when we didn't follow those behaviors, usually there came a punishment afterward. One of my favorites included writing 500 times phrases such as "I will stop complaining." (I still struggle with that one).

These punishments helped me to learn a significant life lesson. Because my mother was consistent with discipline, I learned that choices ALWAYS have consequences. Every choice is connected to a consequence. Some consequences are of lesser importance, while others have substantial and eternal significance.

As the teenage years came, like most teenagers I was given a bit more responsibility. Parents and children eventually make the transition of babysitters and diaper bags to peers and cellphones. (I still struggle with the cellphone part, but that's the world we live in folks!) With this transition there comes less parental supervision, more interaction with humans of the opposite sex, and opportunities to make decisions that seemingly "no one will know about." We always hope that all teenagers will stay in well-lit areas, participate in wholesome activities, and choose good decisions whether parents are there or not.

Thankfully, many youth choose the straight and narrow path. Some do not. In the world as a whole, many do not.

Those who choose the crooked path are not free from ownership of the choices they've made. However, I wonder if a few people could have been and still could be helped by learning one simple truth: Choices come with Consequences. They ALWAYS come with consequences.

The older we get, and the more responsibility that becomes ours, the more chances we have to choose the wrong things. For example, if at 16 you are fortunate enough to get a car, you may tell your parents--"I'm going to a friend's ward on Sunday" and then you peace out and go do what you want. Or, you decide to not pay your tithing because your check just was too small to give any away.  Maybe you decide to go to an inappropriate movie because your friends want to and because "no one will know."

These small choices are made every day. By all of us. As young adults, and as adults, these choices often go unnoticed by others. They are choices only we know about. And many times, right after the choice is made, "nothing bad happens."

Usually, no lightning strike comes from heaven. Mom and Dad don't make you stick your nose against the wall. No one spanks you.

But these choices when no one else is looking, these are the moments where we find out who we really are. These are the very moments in which we become more like our Father in Heaven, or less like Him. And if we haven't made the connection of choices leading to consequences then we are more likely to make choices that seemingly have no consequences. And here's the thing, something bad does happen when we make bad choices. It often just happens in our hearts. It separates us that much more from our Father in Heaven.

I know this because this is me. This week I chose to spend time watching stupid shows that may have been funny, but they didn't uplift or edify. In fact, they filled my mind with gunk that I now have to remove. They supported things that I say I don't support. And yet, by watching the shows, unfortunately, I was supporting them. And I thought, nothing bad happened. I just watched a show or two. The shows definitely fit in the PG-13 category, and they made me laugh. But then I realized some things. While watching the shows, I paid less attention to my precious little girl. I left work undone that I could have easily accomplished. I was lazy, and I wasted time that on this earth--is truly so fragile. These 'bad' things didn't speak up as loud and clear as my mother did when she lectured me after a bad decision. They were much quieter in their sneakily making my life less wonderful.

And I realized that the rationalization of "nothing bad will happen" is the stupidest rationalization of all time. Because everything we do creates a happening of either good or bad. We're either on the path or were off it. Choosing to sit on the fence is still choosing not to walk on the straight and narrow path.

I've watched as a childhood friend made choices believing that nothing bad would happen in his life. Then he showed up on my doorstep with a verbal list of happenings that I pray I never have to endure. The adversary wants us to believe that some choices do not bring about consequences. We can never believe that. We have to believe in doing good---all the time. We can trust wholeheartedly that when we do good, good things happen. We have to make good choices because our Heavenly parents have never left us alone, and they will always know the choices we are making. And we must choose the right because of who we can become. I chose to be weak this week. I chose to give in to the natural man rather than following the me who is a daughter of Heavenly Father who seeks to do His will. I was lazy, cranky, and I ignored my child. Without consciously realizing it, I put effort into becoming useless and selfish. I hate it when I do that. Because even when I don't immediately see it, bad things happen.

So, start making good choices. Because good things will happen. Short and sweet ending, because it's the short and sweet truth.

Claiming Dependence on Emotion

Ok, so it's 5:30 in the morning. And I have words flowing into my mind so much so that I cannot sleep. This happens every once in a while. That's why I have a personal journal, and that's also why I have a blog. Anything that I write in this post is so far away from trying to offend that if you choose for any reason to make it offensive I am putting any and all blame on you for making it so. This post is solely to help any and/or one who may be struggling with anything similar to what I have struggled with. I have limited understanding and limited experiences. So bear with me, and see these words for what they really are...

It may have been a teacher in college who first put this idea into my head in a way that I could understand it. Somewhere I was told of an idea that emotions can be 100% controlled. In other words, we are not as connected to our emotions as we often think we are. And I pondered that. I'm not sure about this idea, but it has lead me to find more understanding on the subject throughout my life and I think that this idea was beneficial to me in a way. It gave me a little more power than what I had ever given myself. So let me just jump right in and explain.

In 2 Nephi 2:14 it states,
And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.
(thank you lds.org)

As I ponder this scripture I know that we have been told we are beings who "act", and we are not "to be acted upon." And I wonder if this counts for emotions. I imagine that it does, and I feel like in my life it became the scriptural slice of the sweetest truth pie I've ever tasted. Because it too gave me power. And it's origins were way ahead of anybody else's idea of emotions being more in our control than we often assume. 

Life experience: I only have so much. However, I will share a sliver of my life that is unpleasant to revisit, but is of vital importance because it took a large role in shaping me into who I am. 

When I first married Colten, I was so overwhelmed. There were a million joyful things, but truthfully I struggled to be happy. The only people who really knew how I was feeling at the time were my mom, my husband, and a few close family members. But, most of my family didn't even know. Which was exactly the way I wanted it, because it was so hard to admit that I was depressed. I struggled enough that my mom bought me professional tapes to listen to with guidance on anxiety and depression, and I sought out natural remedies to lift my mood so that I could function more normally. And even though there was a long list of things to be happy about, I found myself laying on the floor crying and trying to talk through it with my mom. Even my husband never saw that, and I didn't want him to. 

Let me make something clear as can be, Colten did nothing wrong. He was and is and always has been an amazing husband. 

My mom made it clear to me, that the next step was therapy. We were both afraid I was in too deep, and that I couldn't make it out alone. That word, therapy, scared me. And being that I have my mother inside of me, there was a stubbornness that would not let me seek help beyond my family and my Heavenly Father. And thank goodness for that strength left in me, because I decided to pull up my bootstraps so to speak, and climb my way out of the hole I was in. (I do believe therapy is vitally important for millions of people, but I just didn't need it).

I engulfed myself into the gospel. I took as many Institute classes as I did college classes. I had already taken a lot of religion classes which I believe helped tremendously prior to this chapter of my life, and they gave me a great foundation of knowledge. And one of my teachers in college (not Institute actually) helped me to take ownership of my emotions. Rather than letting them destroy me, knowledge of truth helped me to gain back power. It was a slow process, but I eventually gained enough power back that I could start to see things a bit more clearly. I stopped taking natural remedies to lift my spirits. I just didn't need them. 

I started to look at myself with eyes that were no longer cloudy. I saw a girl who judged others quickly. I saw a girl who couldn't see the blessings in her life to save it. I saw girl who assumed that many people around her had vicious intentions, and I was a victim in too many stories. I was shocked. And it hurt. Who knew that I was in the wrong in so many areas? This new information didn't push me back down the hole though. I was in charge now, and I had also finally realized that I was most definitely not alone. 

I started to take ownership of the judgments I made. And I started to turn them into love. Love is the only thing strong enough to overpower any of the other emotions I was feeling. The second I sincerely loved those around me, the second I started to give more power to myself, the stronger my relationship was to the Spirit, and to my Heavenly Father. This is a life goal: to continue to replace false judgments with love. We all work on it constantly. The more we work at it, the better we become--true in many of life's endeavors.

I started to see the blessings that the Lord had given me. This, probably above many other things, humbled me. Depression had not humbled me. Depression had made me sick and lonely. Gratitude humbled me. Humility gave me strength. Humility was the gateway to joy and happiness. Pure and true humility came from realizing the Lord knows me and He wants to help me get through all trials, and He blesses me in spite of me.  

I studied the Atonement. I took classes, I read talks, I read scriptures, I listened, I sought it out. 

Matthew 11:28 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest"

I slowly but surely found that that which I gave power to became the strongest in my life. I had given power to unhappiness, loneliness, anger, confusion, frustration, etc. It wasn't workin' for me. 

So I found power, the right power, within me and from my Heavenly Father, and I put my energy into that. I sought out good things in people, and wonderful things about life. 

I am no longer in the hole folks. I am so far away from it I don't even remember where it went. But it's gone. Thankfully. 

Do you wanna know what pushed me the last little bit above ground?

Colten and I got pregnant. :) This came with ups and downs. Right after I had Camry I could tell the hormones in my body were leading me to jump back into the hole. So I just tried the same remedy that had worked so beautifully before. I sought sunshine and it warmed my heart and soul. I looked for and found blessings everywhere. I trusted in the Lord and had faith that my body would work through the changes, and it did. I also started to understand the meaning of being selfless. Continued service day in and day out for a little body who was completely dependent on me for survival---there's humility in that. And there's dependence on the Savior there too. There's no way I could do it on my own. 

I don't claim to understand what those around me are going through. As I said earlier, all I have are my experiences and my limited understanding. I have no idea if this helps anyone. I don't have anyone specifically in mind that I could be writing this for. All I know is these thoughts have been jumping around in my head every day for a little while now. And this morning they finally wouldn't let me sleep. So I acted and here they are. 

I  have found that ownership of my emotions has worked for me. I have found that actively seeking good things led me to Christ. Moroni 7:16 says,  "For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God."

I'm thankful for the power to act and that I am not just a thing to be acted upon. That knowledge, when I gave it power, changed me...and it continues to change me everyday. I no longer depend on my emotions to dictate how I feel, they are not strong enough to keep me above ground. Real strength comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ---and it's connected to whether or not we are willing to come unto Him.