Real conversation

Acquaintance: "sorry if you can hear me chewing really loud" she says as she awkwardly chews slowly and covers her mouth.

Me: "oh your fine I can't even hear it."

Acquaintance: "REALLY!? Cuz in my head its really loud!"

Me: .... Shes for real..."Yep that's because your mouth is right next to your ears"

Acquaintance: "I guess that's true"

Yep. It's true.

Self Confidence

This is a very broad subject. There are thousands of psychologists studying this, millions of books and articles written, and it's because there are people struggling with it everywhere.

How do we get self confidence? How do we keep it? Do you struggle with it? Why do so many women struggle with it? Why is it so fragile?

I don't know how to answer all those questions. I'm just a wife and a mother who ponders everything. 

I do have some leads though. Or some ideas.
I'm just gonna jump right in.

Life experience. So much can happen inside those two words. So much good and so much bad.

Sometimes I hear of experiences and I think why was he or she allowed to do that to someone? Why does there have to be victims in life? Why do children have to endure things that shred any last bit of self confidence that one could have had? There are so many questions to ask.

I don't want to delve deeply into life experience I just want to lead your mind where mine went. Not to terrible, horrible, mind/heart scarring ventures, but to things that still shouldn't have happened.

I look at some people and I think, had they not endured that trial they could be more confident maybe. I never think it in those exact words, but that's pretty much what it sums up to. I think, maybe he/she would understand this or that aspect of life better, had they not experienced that.

And often as humans, we look at the bad stuff that happens to us as just that---bad stuff. My own mother is very much a worry wart and she is constantly (and I mean constantly) bringing up the worst-case-scenarios in any situation. I told her I had a nightmare last week and she suggested I get a supplement for anxiety. One nightmare. I love you mother, forever and for always, but I not takin dem pills!

I don't say this to bad mouth her. In fact, her worst-case-scenario thinking has made her prepared for literally every worst case scenario ever, and it has prevented many bad scenarios from unfolding. I'm just trying to illustrate a point---we always think of the trials in life as trials! Horrible happenings that just happen and we cannot prevent even though we continuously try to!

And lately I've been thinking about changing people's thinking. Why does Heavenly Father put people through unimaginable trials? Because of who he wants us to become. Now I know you've heard of this before, but really ponder this with me.

If I had grown up in any sort of a different family situation, sure, it may have seemed better to some. I've even thought maybe it would have been easier. Not having the "big kids" with us for a whole Christmas Day was pretty bad, I won't lie. But it did something to me, somewhere inside, to make me stronger. It made me appreciate my siblings, and it made me yearn for closeness with them. Had they always been there, maybe we would have fought more. Maybe I wouldn't have looked to them as examples. Maybe I would just be a little different. But Heavenly Father needs me to be who I am. And so he put me in a beautifully imperfect family in which I've never regretted belonging.

Think if we had the ability to see every "trial" for what it truly is. A current of water smoothing our rough patches slowly day by day. Or maybe some trials are sticks of dynamite blasting us onto the path of humility. Couldn't this ability to see trials differently change us clear down deep inside? Could it give us truckloads more of self confidence because we see how important we are to our Heavenly Father because he has given us more responsibility to become? I think it can!

There are some people who I wish I could sit them down, look them in the eye, and say, "You ARE worth it." Correction= I wish I could do that to all people. That's why I have a blog I guess. But really if you are reading this, do you believe that? Because I believe it. Heavenly Father wants YOU to understand something important so He gave you burdens. The "natural man" sees those burdens as hard, but again can we change the definition of burdens and trials and tribulations? In order to survive---we have to. Alllllll the hard "stuff" has to get their names changed. They should be called things like, strength-builders, family uniters, path re-directors, rough edge smoothers, and helped-me-to-become-like-God-ers.

Heavenly Father does want us to understand a lot of things---to become like Him we have to become All-knowing. (that will take much longer than this lifetime I believe). But most importantly---He wants us to understand we are not asked to endure life experience alone. He would have never sent us here alone. He sent us here, and then sent His Son to make all of the necessary connections. His Son built a bridge back home so-to-speak. His Son also offers strength, and the know-how for re-building hearts and homes. His Son offers to walk alongside us to help carry every "helped-me-to-become-like-God-er", or what is more commonly known as every, "trial."

And knowing what I know about the Savior Jesus Christ, I feel much more confident that He can be on my side. My search for self-confidence has also been a search to know my Savior better. And I don't know a lot, but I know that when I try to live as He would, I see trials for how they really are just a bit better, and I believe in myself a lot better. I find peace and happiness in just being good ole Sammy Grace! And I don't seek for the world's approval, I just try to enjoy being me and everyone that comes along with that.

So here's my hope. Please know, You Are Worth It. Whoever you are. Life experience is meant to make you even greater. We are sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father who has created worlds without number. We are part of an ever growing family of love that just keeps multiplying--never dividing. So believe in yourself. Make decisions, Make amazing things happen, and Make your little corner of the world better because you're happy being you! Find your Confidence in Christ.

*thanks for reading. my husband has a rough time even listening to my long blog posts. ;) gotta love it. gotta write it down somewhere.

Because Nothing Bad Happened.

**Can I just say, this blog is a special place for me. Sometimes I ignore it, and I feel and think things that I need to write--like I am supposed to write them---and I still ignore them...But then I sit down, and I re-read something I wrote, and I know that it isn't necessarily just me writing. For some reason, I notice things, I analyze everything, and I put it into language which transforms into a vision for others to grasp or to ignore. And it feels good. It's me, connected to a spirit that I don't even realize I am in tune with. But as I said, I look back and think, how did I know to write that? How did I know it then it would help me today? The answer is: I didn't. I just do it, because I'm supposed to, and then my Heavenly Father blesses my life with it. I hope it blesses others. Refer to the quote at the top right of the page, "To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

This is a post that's been pressing on my mind and I've been ignoring it. Unfortunately that means I may not word it as wonderfully as possible, but I will try my best.

        Growing up, I remember when my mom would teach me about the 'right things' to do. These 'right things' are as follows: Be kind. Share. Don't steal. Be nice to your sister. ...hehe... Forgive your friend. Pray. Read your scriptures. Etc. As a child, when we didn't follow those behaviors, usually there came a punishment afterward. One of my favorites included writing 500 times phrases such as "I will stop complaining." (I still struggle with that one).

These punishments helped me to learn a significant life lesson. Because my mother was consistent with discipline, I learned that choices ALWAYS have consequences. Every choice is connected to a consequence. Some consequences are of lesser importance, while others have substantial and eternal significance.

As the teenage years came, like most teenagers I was given a bit more responsibility. Parents and children eventually make the transition of babysitters and diaper bags to peers and cellphones. (I still struggle with the cellphone part, but that's the world we live in folks!) With this transition there comes less parental supervision, more interaction with humans of the opposite sex, and opportunities to make decisions that seemingly "no one will know about." We always hope that all teenagers will stay in well-lit areas, participate in wholesome activities, and choose good decisions whether parents are there or not.

Thankfully, many youth choose the straight and narrow path. Some do not. In the world as a whole, many do not.

Those who choose the crooked path are not free from ownership of the choices they've made. However, I wonder if a few people could have been and still could be helped by learning one simple truth: Choices come with Consequences. They ALWAYS come with consequences.

The older we get, and the more responsibility that becomes ours, the more chances we have to choose the wrong things. For example, if at 16 you are fortunate enough to get a car, you may tell your parents--"I'm going to a friend's ward on Sunday" and then you peace out and go do what you want. Or, you decide to not pay your tithing because your check just was too small to give any away.  Maybe you decide to go to an inappropriate movie because your friends want to and because "no one will know."

These small choices are made every day. By all of us. As young adults, and as adults, these choices often go unnoticed by others. They are choices only we know about. And many times, right after the choice is made, "nothing bad happens."

Usually, no lightning strike comes from heaven. Mom and Dad don't make you stick your nose against the wall. No one spanks you.

But these choices when no one else is looking, these are the moments where we find out who we really are. These are the very moments in which we become more like our Father in Heaven, or less like Him. And if we haven't made the connection of choices leading to consequences then we are more likely to make choices that seemingly have no consequences. And here's the thing, something bad does happen when we make bad choices. It often just happens in our hearts. It separates us that much more from our Father in Heaven.

I know this because this is me. This week I chose to spend time watching stupid shows that may have been funny, but they didn't uplift or edify. In fact, they filled my mind with gunk that I now have to remove. They supported things that I say I don't support. And yet, by watching the shows, unfortunately, I was supporting them. And I thought, nothing bad happened. I just watched a show or two. The shows definitely fit in the PG-13 category, and they made me laugh. But then I realized some things. While watching the shows, I paid less attention to my precious little girl. I left work undone that I could have easily accomplished. I was lazy, and I wasted time that on this earth--is truly so fragile. These 'bad' things didn't speak up as loud and clear as my mother did when she lectured me after a bad decision. They were much quieter in their sneakily making my life less wonderful.

And I realized that the rationalization of "nothing bad will happen" is the stupidest rationalization of all time. Because everything we do creates a happening of either good or bad. We're either on the path or were off it. Choosing to sit on the fence is still choosing not to walk on the straight and narrow path.

I've watched as a childhood friend made choices believing that nothing bad would happen in his life. Then he showed up on my doorstep with a verbal list of happenings that I pray I never have to endure. The adversary wants us to believe that some choices do not bring about consequences. We can never believe that. We have to believe in doing good---all the time. We can trust wholeheartedly that when we do good, good things happen. We have to make good choices because our Heavenly parents have never left us alone, and they will always know the choices we are making. And we must choose the right because of who we can become. I chose to be weak this week. I chose to give in to the natural man rather than following the me who is a daughter of Heavenly Father who seeks to do His will. I was lazy, cranky, and I ignored my child. Without consciously realizing it, I put effort into becoming useless and selfish. I hate it when I do that. Because even when I don't immediately see it, bad things happen.

So, start making good choices. Because good things will happen. Short and sweet ending, because it's the short and sweet truth.

Claiming Dependence on Emotion

Ok, so it's 5:30 in the morning. And I have words flowing into my mind so much so that I cannot sleep. This happens every once in a while. That's why I have a personal journal, and that's also why I have a blog. Anything that I write in this post is so far away from trying to offend that if you choose for any reason to make it offensive I am putting any and all blame on you for making it so. This post is solely to help any and/or one who may be struggling with anything similar to what I have struggled with. I have limited understanding and limited experiences. So bear with me, and see these words for what they really are...

It may have been a teacher in college who first put this idea into my head in a way that I could understand it. Somewhere I was told of an idea that emotions can be 100% controlled. In other words, we are not as connected to our emotions as we often think we are. And I pondered that. I'm not sure about this idea, but it has lead me to find more understanding on the subject throughout my life and I think that this idea was beneficial to me in a way. It gave me a little more power than what I had ever given myself. So let me just jump right in and explain.

In 2 Nephi 2:14 it states,
And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.
(thank you lds.org)

As I ponder this scripture I know that we have been told we are beings who "act", and we are not "to be acted upon." And I wonder if this counts for emotions. I imagine that it does, and I feel like in my life it became the scriptural slice of the sweetest truth pie I've ever tasted. Because it too gave me power. And it's origins were way ahead of anybody else's idea of emotions being more in our control than we often assume. 

Life experience: I only have so much. However, I will share a sliver of my life that is unpleasant to revisit, but is of vital importance because it took a large role in shaping me into who I am. 

When I first married Colten, I was so overwhelmed. There were a million joyful things, but truthfully I struggled to be happy. The only people who really knew how I was feeling at the time were my mom, my husband, and a few close family members. But, most of my family didn't even know. Which was exactly the way I wanted it, because it was so hard to admit that I was depressed. I struggled enough that my mom bought me professional tapes to listen to with guidance on anxiety and depression, and I sought out natural remedies to lift my mood so that I could function more normally. And even though there was a long list of things to be happy about, I found myself laying on the floor crying and trying to talk through it with my mom. Even my husband never saw that, and I didn't want him to. 

Let me make something clear as can be, Colten did nothing wrong. He was and is and always has been an amazing husband. 

My mom made it clear to me, that the next step was therapy. We were both afraid I was in too deep, and that I couldn't make it out alone. That word, therapy, scared me. And being that I have my mother inside of me, there was a stubbornness that would not let me seek help beyond my family and my Heavenly Father. And thank goodness for that strength left in me, because I decided to pull up my bootstraps so to speak, and climb my way out of the hole I was in. (I do believe therapy is vitally important for millions of people, but I just didn't need it).

I engulfed myself into the gospel. I took as many Institute classes as I did college classes. I had already taken a lot of religion classes which I believe helped tremendously prior to this chapter of my life, and they gave me a great foundation of knowledge. And one of my teachers in college (not Institute actually) helped me to take ownership of my emotions. Rather than letting them destroy me, knowledge of truth helped me to gain back power. It was a slow process, but I eventually gained enough power back that I could start to see things a bit more clearly. I stopped taking natural remedies to lift my spirits. I just didn't need them. 

I started to look at myself with eyes that were no longer cloudy. I saw a girl who judged others quickly. I saw a girl who couldn't see the blessings in her life to save it. I saw girl who assumed that many people around her had vicious intentions, and I was a victim in too many stories. I was shocked. And it hurt. Who knew that I was in the wrong in so many areas? This new information didn't push me back down the hole though. I was in charge now, and I had also finally realized that I was most definitely not alone. 

I started to take ownership of the judgments I made. And I started to turn them into love. Love is the only thing strong enough to overpower any of the other emotions I was feeling. The second I sincerely loved those around me, the second I started to give more power to myself, the stronger my relationship was to the Spirit, and to my Heavenly Father. This is a life goal: to continue to replace false judgments with love. We all work on it constantly. The more we work at it, the better we become--true in many of life's endeavors.

I started to see the blessings that the Lord had given me. This, probably above many other things, humbled me. Depression had not humbled me. Depression had made me sick and lonely. Gratitude humbled me. Humility gave me strength. Humility was the gateway to joy and happiness. Pure and true humility came from realizing the Lord knows me and He wants to help me get through all trials, and He blesses me in spite of me.  

I studied the Atonement. I took classes, I read talks, I read scriptures, I listened, I sought it out. 

Matthew 11:28 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest"

I slowly but surely found that that which I gave power to became the strongest in my life. I had given power to unhappiness, loneliness, anger, confusion, frustration, etc. It wasn't workin' for me. 

So I found power, the right power, within me and from my Heavenly Father, and I put my energy into that. I sought out good things in people, and wonderful things about life. 

I am no longer in the hole folks. I am so far away from it I don't even remember where it went. But it's gone. Thankfully. 

Do you wanna know what pushed me the last little bit above ground?

Colten and I got pregnant. :) This came with ups and downs. Right after I had Camry I could tell the hormones in my body were leading me to jump back into the hole. So I just tried the same remedy that had worked so beautifully before. I sought sunshine and it warmed my heart and soul. I looked for and found blessings everywhere. I trusted in the Lord and had faith that my body would work through the changes, and it did. I also started to understand the meaning of being selfless. Continued service day in and day out for a little body who was completely dependent on me for survival---there's humility in that. And there's dependence on the Savior there too. There's no way I could do it on my own. 

I don't claim to understand what those around me are going through. As I said earlier, all I have are my experiences and my limited understanding. I have no idea if this helps anyone. I don't have anyone specifically in mind that I could be writing this for. All I know is these thoughts have been jumping around in my head every day for a little while now. And this morning they finally wouldn't let me sleep. So I acted and here they are. 

I  have found that ownership of my emotions has worked for me. I have found that actively seeking good things led me to Christ. Moroni 7:16 says,  "For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God."

I'm thankful for the power to act and that I am not just a thing to be acted upon. That knowledge, when I gave it power, changed me...and it continues to change me everyday. I no longer depend on my emotions to dictate how I feel, they are not strong enough to keep me above ground. Real strength comes from our Savior, Jesus Christ---and it's connected to whether or not we are willing to come unto Him. 

Happy Anniversary :)

I'm with the guy on the left :) I know you're jealous, just contain yourselves. 

As of today, I have been married 3 years to my best friend in the whole world. He is my partner, my go-to for everything, my favorite person, my husband. I love that I get to call him that. It's amazing how time has gone by so fast, and ya know they say, time flies when you're havin' fun! 

Truly, when I think of how many years we have ahead of us, I get excited. I love that I get to spend the rest of forever with him! Sure, we have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we've grown together and become stronger for it. I was young when I got married, (or so they say) but I believe I was the smartest 20 year old on the planet for falling in love with Colten. I love him more than words can say, and I love, love, love, whatever is up ahead, because it will be with my darling hubby. 

Thanks to a wonderful 3 years hun! You're more than any wife could ask for. I love you!!!

Motivated By Love.

This phrase has been a common one in my head over my lifetime. Mainly because, when I hear about someone doing something just straight-up amazing, 99.999999% of the time it's because they were motivated by love. Tonight I "showed up" to listen to someone who has been a long time friend, neighbor, and counselor to me and about a ka-gillion other people in his lifetime. He is also the principal at the high school in our town and he is one of those people whose example---even if you only know him for a short time---immediately draws you to Christ. He's just that awesome.

He, and the principal of the middle school in our town, were involved in a special journey called, P.A.A.C.E. The acronym stands for, Principals Across America for Computers in Education. Their goal: to raise money for computers in their schools. So, they rode their bikes literally across america, and they inspired thousands of people along the way.

So, at tonight's fireside, when Mr. Jody Rich spoke, he inspired me too. He inspired me to think about motivation by love, and the affects it has in one's life. He spoke about things we should do in life, and things we should think about, and he talked a bit about something as simple as 'showing up' in life. But the message I got, was the message of being motivated by love.

Not just anyone can ride their bike thousands of miles. Not just anyone can climb Mt. Everest. Not just anyone is willing to push their physical, mental, and spiritual self beyond what they ever imagined was possible.

But someone motivated by love can.

Maybe some people accomplish physical feats because they just simply love the rush they get at the end of a race, or at the top of a mountain. And that's still amazing.

But then there are people, who accomplish amazing things for someone else---never thinking twice about what they must give, but only thinking about the prize that will come for their loved one once the price has been paid.

Those are the times when children of God shine. Those are the times our Father in Heaven might shed a pure tear of joy because it means something even more special than we think. It means that His children are starting to understand a little bit more of their Savior. Some may not even realize it, but as they sacrifice for those they love their hearts are changing, and drawing closer to Him. And it's beautiful.

Our Savior was motivated by love. Faith, obedience, and a Plan were all part of His motivation, but the strongest is Love. Love for His Father, and Love for his brothers and sisters. That is a small way of how I can understand the Atonement. And when I hear stories of inspiring people like Jody Rich, it again draws me to my Savior. Those stories teach me a little better how to be like Him.

And I got to thinking, What amazing things can I do in my life, that would require sacrifice, but also motivation by love?

And I thought, I sure as heck won't be riding my bike 3000 miles. (Although I will always have the utmost respect for those who are willing to).

But I will be getting up at 2 AM, and 3 AM, and 4, and 5 and 6 if needs be for my little girl. In small ways I can still contribute to the people in my life who I can affect in some way or another. I can be the best visiting teacher this world's ever seen. I can love, forgive, and serve. I can appreciate my husband for continuously getting up and working as hard as he can to provide for our family. I can appreciate his motivation from love. I can strive to follow God's commandments and strive to teach them to those around me. And most importantly, I can try to understand Christ, and how He is, and how He loves. And then I can do as Jody has and will always do, I can try to lead others to our Savior, and maybe, just maybe, someone's heart will choose to be changed. And if that happens, then they've accomplished something that lasts throughout eternity. And that's a feat that we're all working on, day to day, on and on, and over again. We do our best...We fall short. But Christ is there, not just at the top of the ladder to get us to the last step, but He's truly there every step of the way. Sometimes we seek Him, and sometimes, unfortunately we don't. But the more we do, the more we are inspired and changed, and somehow we can help others to do the same.

I just have to thank every person in the world for their outstanding sacrifices. Whether they be the sacrifices that go above and beyond what we think are humanly possible, or if they're the sacrifices that go unseen and unnoticed. Look for people around you who sacrifice every day for you, and thank them for being Christlike and loving you. And then turn around and sacrifice for someone else.

The more you do, the more you realize the amazing things that can be accomplished when motivated by love.

Good Ole' Facebook.

So, probably about 2 years ago I deactivated my facebook account for a loooong list of good reasons. And I felt like life was just slightly less complicated because of it. And Lots of people congratulated me, patted me on the back, and gave me many nods of approval. But, it was like one of about 2 or 3 people I know who was able to say goodbye to constant communication with so many people that I didn't need to be in constant communication with. I also had a few people argue with my reasons, and try to make me see that my list had no weight, no substance, and they tried to essentially help me down from my soapbox.

Well, I faithfully stood there for the 2 years, and I was pretty comfortable.

Until I went to the special broadcast titled, "The Work of Salvation" where Elder L. Tom Perry introduced some new policies regarding missionary work and websites such as Facebook. I won't re-quote everything he said, and I've given you enough information that you can go look it up on lds.org to read his talk if you'd like.

When I was listening, I had a truly humbling experience. I wouldn't necessarily call it repentant, because me not having facebook wasn't wrong. But, I felt like I was being asked to be a missionary--something I always wanted to be, and something I strive to be. But I also felt like I was being told that one of the best ways to do that, in this day and age, is to have a facebook account. I looked at my husband. He looked at me. And seriously guys, I feel passionately about the negatives of facebook, and I know it's silly to so many, but I knew that I would have to make a huge decision.

And I also looked up the church's stance on facebook.

I thought, well I have a blog, and that's good enough isn't it? I can share my testimony there!?!? right?!? And it was like a voice said, "yeah, to the 3 people that read it." Ok, ok. But I still didn't go home and log on to facebook. I just pondered. For a while now.

And then a few different experiences happened. And I got little arrows, and little answers, and finally I added my name to Colten's account. And I still am kind of sick about it. Because part of me just has so much appreciation for the old way of communicating. And although I fear for what facebook is doing to the upcoming generations, I see now, that it has to happen.

And the only way for me to get to know some of my sunday school students, my present co-workers and past co-workers, and even family, is through technology. And specifically, Facebook.

So, alas. I have finally given in. Not because of the pressures of society, but because it's an opportunity to share my testimony, and to connect with ward members, family members, and the other people I mentioned earlier.

So there's my dramatic, yet true explanation as to why I have now re-connected on good ole' Facebook.

And I figure, that I better just be humble in life, instead of prideful. It seems as if I've been told this before....maybe once or twice......but this is one example of me practicing what has been preached. I hope I can always be a person who admits when they're wrong. And who looks for the good in all. And who strives to be an example instead of an angry individual. This isn't the first time I've ever eaten humble pie, and I'm sure it won't be the last.